A Cullen Christmas Carol
by Kelly123
Summary: Alice puts on a little holiday show. And the unthinkable ensues. Oh Emmett...ONE-SHOT.


_It's the most, wonderful time of the year..._

_Ahh, how i love the holiday season. Hence a holiday-inpired fic!_

_So this latest little ditty from me isn't actually from me...totally. It's actually co-written by the only person in the universe who knows the dirty little secret of mine that is fanfiction. The idea for this came upon us one night while we were watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and supposed to be fixing her nano story...but this ended up being much more fun. It's totally random and utterly silly and a complete happy-maker. At least for us. We giggled endlessly through this, both writing it and reading over it, and we hope you all love it just as much as we do...though that might be asking a bit much. So cozy up to the fireplace, pour yourself a glass of eggnog (spiked for me, virgin for Abner) and settle down with this little dose of holiday merriment._

_Oh, and don't take anything in this too seriously. EVERYTHING written is purely in jest. Enjoy!_

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"Bah Humbug." Jasper Hale grumbled miserably under his breath, picking at his ridiculous costume in distaste. He was really, really hating Christmas at the moment.

Unfortunately, Alice did not share his sentiment.

"Jasper! Stop that right now mister, who ever heard of a grumpy tiny Tim!" The tiniest Cullen and director of Fork's High School's latest theatre production reprimanded, pinching the cheeks of one of her leading actors. He pulled his face out of her reach and continued to scowl, giving Lauren the most withering of looks as she attempted to come near him with her stage make-up. Terrified, the girl scurried off to apply more glitter to Jessica's cheeks.

"I'd imagine the same people who have heard of a female Scrooge." Rosalie said drily, walking out of the dressing room and over to the bright lights surrounding the make-up mirrors where the rest of the cast stood, getting put together for their first dress rehearsal. She tapped her high-heeled boot tensely against the wooden floor, glaring at an extra until the redheaded boy vacated his chair in a hurry. She sat down in a huff and crossed her arms over her chest. "This has got to be one of the worst ideas you've ever had Alice. Even worse when you thought we should all try and get spray tans for the summer."

"Hmm… just look at that grimace on her Jasper! See Rose, you're perfect for Scrooge! Listen to you now, you're like Ebenezer in the flesh!" Rosalie's only response was to narrow her eyes at the brunette, who leaned in and kissed her on the cheek sweetly before doing the same to Jasper. "Oh, you guys are going to do so great, you're going to surprise even yourselves, trust me! Okay, I've got to go find Bella to see if she's heard from Jacob about when he's going to be here with my props! Oh wait, that must be him pulling up now!,"

"Why do you say that?" A tall lanky youth clad all in black pushed back the hood to his cloak, revealing an equally sour-looking Mike Newton.

"Oh, I don't know, just a guess. . . I guess." Alice giggled with a smirk to Jasper, ignoring the scowl on Rosalie's pinched face. Right on time, a loud pop rang out as an old truck back-fired out in the school parking lot.

"Jacob's here!" Bella called from further backstage, placing the armful of Christmas lights she was carrying on the counter next to Rosalie as she dashed out the side door.

Edward jogged after her and caught her when she slipped on the icy pathway "Bella be careful!"

Alice rolled her eyes, "Get's kinda old her being so clumsy doesn't it?" she murmured under her breath.

"Heck no it doesn't!" Emmett boomed, throwing back the tattered green curtain to the dressing area for an appropriately grand entrance. He, for one, was embracing his character to the fullest. Dressed in luxurious green velvet from head to toe, his head was adorned with an intricately woven garland of golden holly leaves set atop a long wig of crimson curls. The look was complete with his equally ruddy beard flowing well onto his chest.

"That doesn't look like the costume the theatre department had." Mike grumbled as he stood huddled on the outskirts of the group, tearing his eyes away from where Bella had just exited.

"Hi Mike," Jessica called out, walked across the stage holding her skirts up higher than necessary to show off her stockinged legs. Of course, after spending so much time together at the beach the past summer Mike knew exactly what her legs looked like, but it never hurt to remind him. He glanced back at her, his eyebrows rose into his shaggy dark blonde hair and he quickly covered his mouth with his hand to cover his laughter. Her dress was ridiculously accurate for the Victorian period, which struck Mike as hilarious. At least she didn't have a funny wig like the big Cullen. They might have expensive costumes, but they still looked ridiculous. At least he had an all black outfit.

"Hey Jess...nice dress?" He choked out.

Completely oblivious, she beamed back, "Thanks Mike! And you look quite stunning yourself!"

"He's wearing a black sheet. How is that stunning." Rosalie snarled without giving Jessica a glance, pulling at the lace collar around her neck in the mirror.

"Mike can make anything look sexy." she giggled, running a hand up mike's arm slowly before dusting a bit of lint off his shoulder.

Jasper and Emmett exchanged a look over Jessica's head, Emmett waggled his brows and grinned, "Is that so? Do you think I would look sexy on Mike?" he bit down on his full lower lip for emphasis.

Mike's jaw dropped and Jessica looked absolutely scandalized. It even managed to put a hint of a smile on the ill-looking Jasper's face.

"What? No? Too much?" Emmett said, looking over at Rosalie and shrugging his shoulders innocently.

"I found the wolves!" Bella called out merrily, while Jacob and Quil followed behind holding a large sleigh between them. Obviously, either boy could have held it on their own, but there were mere mortals to consider. Mortals who Bella had obviously failed to remember. At the sight of Mike and Jess she stopped short, the back of her head almost colliding with the sleigh before the boys lifted it up out of her range. Edward was a few steps behind carrying a snow-dusted evergreen, and he glared at Jacob accusingly for the almost-accident.

"Wolves?" Mike asked dumbly, but everyone ignored him.

"Jacob, there you are! Where's Embry?" Alice pranced across the gym and gave him a hug despite the way he smelled, it was a quick hug but Rosalie gasped anyways. First contact with humans and now werewolves, maybe Alice was better left in that madhouse.

"Hey Alice," his nose wrinkled of its own accord and he held his hand out over Quil's chest reflexively incase it bothered him.

"Embry's hanging out on the reservation. . ."

"Oh, okay…anyway, if you could take the sleigh over there, to the house beside Jasper,"

"Jasper?" Quil repeated uncertainly.

"The one in the overalls. Edward, that tree can go right here, and when you get to it, the bed goes on the other side of the stage."

"Okay, that's in the truck, we'll get it in a sec." Jacob answered as the two carried the sleigh over to park it in front of the rickety house-front reserved for the Forks High Drama Department. "Hey Jasper, nice costume man! Who are you supposed to be?"  
Jasper let out a snarl that was inaudible to Mike, Bella and Jessica, but came across loud and clear to Jacob. The long-haired boy's grin only stretched wider. He looked over his shoulder at the director. "This is quite some production you've got yourself here Alice! Just who is Jasper here playing?"

Alice bounced on her toes, "Well, Jazz is tiny Tim," Quil interrupted her with a laugh, Alice cleared her throat and continued,

"Jessica is his mother Roberta Cratchitt, Rose is Ebenezer, Emmett, The ghost of Christmas Present-"

Jacob held up a hand, "I can figure it out, my sisters made me watch the movie a couple times. But how exactly did this come about? Big foot over there looks pretty decked out for a high school play."

"Carlisle and Esme are funding it! It was all my idea, I absolutely love the theatre and this school just doesn't put on very good plays. Oh," she spun around to check if Jessica or any of the other students had heard, she didn't mean to offend anyone. She smiled sweetly, glad that nobody heard her, "I just think things could be a lot bigger. Better. More spectacular! The only downside is that not many people showed up for my casting, so I ended up enlisting most of the family to be my stars. Of course, they were all eager to join in on the fun." Rosalie sneered at the mention of the word, and Jasper looked ready to tear the werewolves limb from limb.

"Oh boy does it sound fun, hey Jake let's unload the truck so I can get back, we need to decorate for Claire's Christmas party. She's convinced we're all going to play sardines. I've got to talk her into saving that for her birthday when the ground isn't frozen solid."

"Ehh, that's okay; I'll meet you there afterwards. I think I wanna stick around for a bit." Jacob winked at Bella and she rolled her eyes at him. Edward tensed and placed a hand around her waist defensively. Now it was Jacob's turn to roll his eyes.

"Oh that sounds excellent! Are you sure you can't stay too Quil?" Alice offered, ignoring the groan of protest from Edward.

"Sorry, I promised my, uh...friend," he stumbled over his words, with a glance to Mike, "that I would help set up for a little party she's having."

"But don't worry, I'll be back, and I can't wait to see you Cullens in full thespian form! Just let us unload these last few things."

"Great..." Edward grumbled, and Bella poked him in the side when he passed her on his way out to help Quil and Jake They might not be too happy about it, but her boys were making some effort not to kill each other on sight…at least in front of the scant humans on the premises. Like Alice had said, not too many had showed up to the open casting call hosted by the Cullens (can't imagine why not), and those that had attended she suspected had ulterior motives. Mike had immediately come up and asked if they could read lines together, his face falling when she said that she was working behind the scenes. Jessica, of course, had not been far behind and jumped in readily to take her place, gladly Bella let the girl have it. She and Edward had vehemently turned down Alice's pleas to take a role in the play, but had agreed to help out on the technical side. Surprisingly enough, she was having quite an enjoyable time with the production, a sentiment that seemed to be shared only by Edward's fun loving brother.

"Hey Bella! Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas!" Emmett called out, collapsing into the chair next to Rosalie and tapping his velvet knee invitingly.

"You're the ghost of Christmas present, not Santa Claus you...bozo." Bella replied, blushing, as she looked around nervously at Rose. Things still weren't too comfortable between the two girls and Bella didn't want to give the blonde a reason to hate her even more.

"Ooh, that hurts bells, down to my...soul. Come kiss it make it better." he pouted, sticking out his lower lip and letting the long orange curls of his wig fall over his eyes.

"Cut it out Emmett," Rosalie jumped up from her seat, grabbing her script and flipping through it, "How am I supposed to remember any of these lines while Jasper is just standing back there looking. . . weird and Emmett's pretending to be Santa? Not to mention the fact that you've got so many puppies running around the place that it smells like a kennel!"

"Puppies?" Mike scrunched his brow in confusion, inching away from the doe-eyed Jessica while looking around for said canines.

"Ok, guys, let's go through this one more time," Alice called out, clapping her hands together crisply while ignoring Rosalie's outburst and Mike's bewilderment. "Timmy, brighten up, Ebenezer, can you look less . . .evil? Just grumpy? Ok? Alright!" Everyone stood quietly except for Emmett, who was sitting and snickering to himself no doubt about some dirty joke he had made up in his mind that Edward was none too appreciative of.

"I could work a lot better if Ebenezer didn't want to rip my head off!" Mike choked out. In surprise, all eyes turned to him. He gestured around in an embarrassed manner, "I don't know, it just doesn't seem like . . . Rose . . . alie wants to be in this. Maybe Bella could. . . " He trailed off. The girl in question stared at the floor in embarrassment. Bella was glad she was standing in front of

Jessica so she didn't have to see the expression on the poor girl's face.

"Bella! Why is it always Bella, Mike?! She freakin' has a boyfriend who she moons over all day, everyday, they talk mushy gushy, all day, every day, but what about me!? I could just as easily be your Ebenezer Scrooge -"

"No, no, no," Alice sighed, shaking her head at her love struck, hormonal teenaged actors. She placed a hand over her heart and closed her eyes while she conceptualized the play, "You are Tiny Tim's mother, a female version of Bob Cratchitt. I need you to embrace this role, it's a vital one. And Mike, Rosalie loves playing Scrooge."

"That's not the point." Jessica grumbled, shooting a look that wasn't too friendly at the back of Bella's head.

"Alice . . . " Jasper growled her name loud enough for everyone to hear so his annoyance was clear. He did not sign up for this play, and yet somehow, here he was, standing up on some stage smack dab in the middle of all the teenage angst, wearing overalls that were five inches too short for him no less.

"Lines please!" Alice's voice was far too cheerful.

Jasper closed his eyes, his arms swinging limply at his sides while the other 'actors' ran over their lines," Jazz," Alice hissed, "Jazz it's your line!"

Snarling to himself, he straightened up and delivered his line to the ceiling, "Please sir, I want some more," southern drawl and all.

"JASPER FREAKING HALE! That is most definitely not your line and you know that for a fact very well! Don't you dare try to make me feel happy either!" Alice shrieked, exuding absolute terror from every inch of her tiny stature. Even Rose took a step back. Jasper attempted to reach out to her, but a death glare from the pixie stopped the motion before he ever touched her.

Bella cleared her throat, "Hey...umm, maybe we should take the rehearsal out of the dressing room and onto the stage? Maybe it would help us all" Bella raised an eyebrow towards Rosalie "get into the holiday spirit."

Alice didn't say a word, just stood there smoldering at Jasper.

"Sounds like a great idea Bells! Here, let me get the curtain for you!" Mike hustled across the floor in the direction of the heavy maroon curtains that separated the backstage from the auditorium. In his haste he missed the odd trio of Quil, Jacob and Edward hauling in the props the boys had made out on the rez. Turning his head back to smile at Bella, Mike's chest collided soundly with the heavy wooden door from which the ghost of Jacob Marley would peer out at Rosalie. In shock, Quil released his hold on the door and unsteadily it tilted forward towards Bella. Giving a yelp, Mike jumped forward to snatch her out of harm's way, but of course Edward beat him to it. Once Bella was safe in the arms of Cullen, he skidded to a stop and cursed under his breath, completely ignoring the terror-struck Jessica who now stood in the direct path of the prop on the loose.

"What the HELL?!" she exclaimed, seconds before the door crashed down on top of her, crushing her to the floor. She let out a stream of curses that almost made Jacob blush, all of them directed at Mike. Fearing bloodshed from the accident, Jasper took the opportunity to slip away out the stage door. He hoped Alice wouldn't notice his disappearance with the werewolves there, and even if she did, he figured she had enough on her hands to worry much about him. The air was too thick in there anyway, blood pulsing in the veins of every human, the atrocious stench of the werewolves, and emotion going absolutely haywire…he needed a break. He strolled along side of the building with his hands in his pockets, he could hear a ruckus back inside and it wasn't long before he could feel it. So much for a break. A wave of jealousy and rage hit him like Emmett trying to pin him to the ground. The back door swung wide and crashed into the outdoor brick wall as Jessica stumbled outside wailing. She covered her eyes with her hands dramatically, great sobs came out of her.

Carefully, he began to back away from the girl. Being a southern gentleman, he had dealt with his fair share of crying ladies, but those days were a long time gone. He couldn't deal with an emotional teenager in the first place, and he couldn't deal with Jessica period, especially not as stressed as being in this play had made him. He didn't trust himself enough. Still, though, he felt some sympathy for her tears, and let a few waves of comfort roll in her directions.

Bad idea.

The shift in atmosphere caught her attention, and her head shot up from where she held it in her hands. "Who's there?" she warbled her voice thick with tears.

Jasper took a step backward, and under his weight the snow crunched. He grimaced, hoping she hadn't heard. But, of course, she had.

"Who is that? Mike?" she called out hopefully.

He couldn't help but let out a snicker at that one, and the sound of his voice allowed her to zero in on his location.

"Jasper? What are you d-d-doing out he-e-ere?" the sobs started up again in full force once she realized that Mike had not in fact run out after her.

"Umm, fresh air? I feel…sick?" he took another step back, and then another, but there was no way Jessica was going to let him off that easy. Quicker than he was backing away, she was advancing on him.

"Do you think I'm ug-g-gly?" she whined, coming face to face with him as he met resistance behind him. He had backed himself into a corner against the brick wall of the high school. Definitely not good.

"What? Um, well…"

"I knew it! I knew you thought I was ugly! You think I'm ugly, Mike thinks I'm ugly…it's n-o-o-ot fair! Why does everyone love Bella more than me-e-e?"

"I didn't say that." He said nervously, pressing himself as flat against the wall as he could.

"So, so yo-ou think I'm pretty?" she spluttered, her breath erratic as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She took a step even closer to him, her eyes wide with hope.

"Err…" He wasn't going to go that far. The tears were starting to make him anxious, and he tried to concentrate his energy on calming her down. He sent a ripple of contentment towards her with a kind smile, hoping she would leave him alone.

"OH JASPER! You do think I'm pretty!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek against his chest. Immediately his deliciously sweet scent filled her nostrils, buzzing through her system and making him all the more enticing to her. The tip of her nose trailed up his chest until her mouth found the smooth hollow of his throat. She pushed herself up on her toes to reach and planted her warm lips tenderly against his stone cold skin. His eyes glazed-over with nearly overwhelming hunger, and a feverish desire to taste her oozed out of his every pore. Of course, Jessica absorbed every last bit of it though not quite in the same way. With a moan her arms snaked their way up to fold around his neck and jumped.

The intensity of her already passionate sex drive coupled with his own drive to kill left Jasper all but drowning in lust. He caught her midair and she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. His fingers squeezed the soft flesh of her inner thigh almost reflexively, and she gasped in appreciative response. From the corner of his mind, he remembered how he hated old fashion clothing, so many layers…such a pain to get through. Her breath tickled his neck while her lips roamed across his hard jaw. Just a little bit, he told himself, just a little sniff. Holding her up with one arm, his left hand tilted her head ever-so-slightly so he could see the pulse in the corner of her neck below her ear. His whole body became rigid when he kissed her skin. Being so close to her blood was completely intoxicating, the ultimate high. He suddenly had the utmost appreciation of Edward's choice to snag a human girlfriend, the lucky guy probably did this every night!

Jessica's fingers tangled themselves in his blonde hair, using it as leverage to pull him even closer to her. He felt himself slipping as his lips traced the skin that was stretched taut over her pulse point, pressing more and more firmly against her warm flesh as she egged him on with her body. A body that was far larger than the one he usually held in his arms, he realized with a start. Steeling himself again the impulse he leaned away from Jessica, trying not to inhale as he did so. His head was clearing and it pleased him that he could pull away. However, Jessica, still raging with ardor, took her chance as soon as she saw it. With Jasper's face now detached from her neck, she quickly closed the gap between the two of them and kissed him full on the lips. It was wet, warm…and gross. Nothing like Alice's kisses. His lust for her blood was now tinged with anger, and he felt a snarl building within him as she left his mouth and began sucking noisily at his pulse-less neck.

Suddenly, something shattered the silence and brought Jasper out of his bloodlust completely.

"Jingle bells, werewolves smell, Edward…" Emmett stopped in the middle of his song, puzzling for a moment before inspiration hit him, and he burst through the side door, slamming it open so hard that it hit the brick wall with a crack.

"Jingle bells, werewolves smell, Edward is a VIRGIN, Isabella is a klutz and Jasper took ballet, hey!" he chuckled merrily to himself as he stepped into the cold. His antics never ceased to crack him up…even when no one else seemed to get the joke. "Oh Jazzy, where arrrrrrrre….you?"

Emmett's singsong tone trailed off sharply as he swung around and caught sight of a terror struck Jasper staring back at him…with a very hot and bothered Jessica wound tightly around him. She was currently…wait, was she licking his face? It appeared to be so, and he did not fail to take in just how tightly Jasper was clutching at her…or exactly where his hands were located under the long skirts that had bunched around her waist. His snickers exploded into his famously uproarious laughter, the sound of which being hard to describe, somewhere between a roaring bear and a cackling old hag. It was enough to completely ruin the "moment" for the unusual couple.

Immediately Jasper pushed Jessica off of him quicker than you could say Santa Claus and stared at Emmett in horror. What had he just done? What just happened? Waves of pure revulsion crashed over him, and the feeling spread to Jess in an instant.

"Bow-chika-bow-wow!" Emmett boomed out, thrusting his pelvis forward obscenely. "Was Mommy letting you unwrap your presents early this year Timmy? Niiiiice..."

"Shut. up. Emmett." Jasper said, his voice dripping with contempt as he peeled Jessica off of him as though she were contagious. Judging from her expression, the feeling was mutual.

"Guh-ross!" Jessica screamed, straightening her rumpled dress frantically and alternating her gaze to shoot dirty looks at both boys in turn. "That was like, so freakin' weird. I mean, EWW! Your lips are so cold, that was totally like kissing a dead fish." She gagged a bit for emphasis. Jasper set his jaw and clenched his fists. He could not believe he had been sucking face with this abhorrent creature not ten minutes ago. For once, he was exceptionally grateful for the presence of werewolves in Forks. He would rather go sing karaoke at a gay bar with Emmett than to have Alice witness this.

"Aw, poor widdle Timmy, do you really kiss like a fish? Come over here, lemme see for myself." Emmett teased, walking over to his brother with arms spread wide and a huge grin on his face. A grin which, if possible, only spread wider and grew brighter when Jasper shoved him roughly to the ground in the snow and planted a foot flat on his chest.

"This never happened. EVER! Do you understand me? That means you too Edward!" Jasper positively growled, his eyes narrowed to dark slits as he stared intensely down at Emmett.

"Edward? What are you two losers talking about? Edward isn't even out here!" Jessica raised an eyebrow skeptically at the boys, a question passing visibly over her face. "Hey…is Edward seriously a virgin?"

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." Emmett said, before exploding once more into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

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_I think Emmett said it best. Hope you all have an amazing Christmas, and in case you're wondering, reviews make LOVELY presents!_


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